Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
You Might Also Like
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
ok like just. call me at this point
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
79.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.