Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
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Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
This is what makes twitter great