Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
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if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
The Joker was right
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.