Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
You Might Also Like
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I don’t hate children, just yours.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!