If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
You Might Also Like
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know