IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
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One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
So glad we cleared that up
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.