Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
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I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack