[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
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If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free