why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
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It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.