People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
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My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
The prophecy is fulfilled
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*