HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
You Might Also Like
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything