“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
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*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.