Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
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Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn