Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
You Might Also Like
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
got so much cardio in today
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen