When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
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The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Not😆🤣
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
My what?
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
the composer