Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
You Might Also Like
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up