Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
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Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?