“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
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My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.