“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
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A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
There is no “we” in pizza
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*