Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
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Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?