sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
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One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
pelicons
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost