Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You Might Also Like
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Got ya covered
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved