@simoncholland: Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: What does that cloud look like to you? 3-year-old: A cloud. Me: No, what do you imagine it could be? 3-year-old: Rain.
@MarcusTheToken: St. Patrick's Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
@drhappyknuckles: Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.
@Sassafrantz: I don't want to seem desperate after a date so I usually text him 10 years later when he has a wife and kids.