Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
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*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.