Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
You Might Also Like
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
anyone else like Italian cereal
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship