Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
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I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I was bored.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.