Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
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I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game