@dankashane20: Why would you chase a waterfall? They don't move to different spots you know. It's pretty much just right there.
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@ExcuseMyTweets: The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I'm wondering how much money I spent last night.
@KelFocker: I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
@TheMichaelRock: Caller: Is Mr. Rock available? Me: Yeah, hold on. *hands phone to 5yo* Me: It's grandma, buddy. Tell her about Caillou.
@LizHackett: Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.