@dankashane20: Why would you chase a waterfall? They don't move to different spots you know. It's pretty much just right there.
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@ibid78: Dating tip: to impress your date, put a napkin on your lap. Along with your plate. And the table. And the waiter. You're now the restaurant.
@AbrasiveGhost: ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where's the nuke button ADVISOR: why ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
@Darlainky: -That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it? -Sentimental attachment. -It just caught fire. -Aww, just like old times.