I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
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by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Y’all ready for this
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Running from your problems is cardio .
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.