I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
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The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
good work, everybody