@FadeAway2: Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she's wearing 5" or 6" heels. She knows exactly what, 6"+ looks like.

@DirtMcTurd: [Hospital front desk] "Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-" *wife hits me* "Baby delivery, I mean she's here to deliver a baby"

@clarkekant: I wish everyone would stop vaccinating their children. It’s really cutting down these lines at Disneyland!

@Birdhumms: I've had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

@Marlebean: That's great about your engagement, promotion and new car. I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry. Samsies!