@KalvinMacleod: [inventing flies] GOD: make them eat shit ANGEL: got it GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

@sickipediabot: When a woman has tissues at her bedside, she has a cold. When a man has tissues at his bedside, he may have a cold.

@Phook75: It's bad enough I have to worry about people when I leave my house now I have to contend with Pokemon as well

@detroit_et: Girl on Facebook Heyy i have not seen u since high school. Me. It's been a while. Her. Yea been married 6 years now : ) Me. Unfriend

@NotJPo: Your wife will always agree to let you go out and get drunk with your friends and as long as you're smart and don't go.