Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
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More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Autocorrect completely socks
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.