I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
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Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell