Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
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*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Woke up with morning Yule Log
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.