Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
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Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions