Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
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The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
“Wait, let me explain..”
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I feel seen