Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
You Might Also Like
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return