Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
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There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.