Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
You Might Also Like
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.