Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
You Might Also Like
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
This trial is so absurd 😭
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
huge if true: the moon
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a