*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
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colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
That’s fair
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
My spirit animal is fried chicken
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Dammit Chief not again
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating