[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
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Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.