[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
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Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.