Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
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Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.