Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
You Might Also Like
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!