wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
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(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Netflix and awkward silence?
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge