Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
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If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
The Sun’s probably Asian.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.