3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
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Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.