Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
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shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
choose your fighter
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty