Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
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This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I think the cat got the dog high.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I…do not understand how electricity works.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”