WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
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I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.