WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
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” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
😂 amazing answer
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit